Add ons for the previous post

Just some clarifications with regard to the previous post:

When I say 'understanding darkness',
I am not trying to be a psychologist, or some philosopher,
Or a religious leader hoping to inspire someone.
I know my limits.

My intention is pure.
I am just trying to get something out of those bad experiences.

I once thought that I am able to deal with things like these.
But no, I hadn't been thinking too much previously.
That is why I was still unprepared even at the second time.

I really want to learn something from it now.

Shakespeare's quote at the end of this blog is there to remind me to take the chance when it comes.
And to use this life-learning experience for my future dealings.

This is my intention.
My only intention. :)

Songs of the heart

Black background. The darkest hour is before dawn. Lonely figure on the path.

If you can notice, this blog is aimed to understand darkness in life.

My first post. Lights along the path. Stars in the sky.

If you can realise, despite how dark things can be, I still believe that there is something there for us to stay strong and hold on.

The songs are just there to reflect some of my feelings.
I don't want to make this too obvious as it will somehow lose the beauty of secrecy. :P
So I will just highlight the sentences which I think have made an impact to me.

***

1st song: 不想懂得 - 张韶涵

当世界 不知不觉的变了
有时候 我怀念以前的我
作的梦 虽然远远的
想像是 一种快乐

拥有了 同时也失去什么
而眷恋 原来会带来软弱
你让我在雾里成熟
心开始曲折

我不想舍得 不想懂得
是谁惹谁 言不由衷
说谎伤害 都是不安犯的错
怕抱不紧什么

我不想舍得 不想懂得
谁说割爱 才更深刻
彼此依赖 是爱不是负荷
互相照顾就是 幸福的
（能握着手就是 感动的）

Repeat

我愿意 一秒钟放弃全宇宙
只在只有我们紧靠着的小星球

我不想舍得 不想懂得
是谁惹谁 言不由衷
说谎伤害 都是不安犯的错
怕抱不紧什么

我多不舍得 多不懂得
谁说割爱 才更深刻
彼此依赖 是爱不是负荷
能握着手就是 感动的

***

2nd song: 真的我没事 - 符致逸

On and on, the pain goes on
And it wouldn't just wouldn't die
我竟远比想像中软弱且无能为力
对你的眼神 选择了逃避
恨自己 恨自己

On and on, the pain lives on
It's hurting so much more
就像我被悔不当初的罪恶吞去
惩罚过后能否带来解脱
I'll be fine I'll be fine

So many cried, listening to God
让坚强不只是种伪装
So many lies, listening to you
天亮后I will be fine

On and on, the pain goes on and I just don't know how to cope
伸手抱住自己是否就能够不再空虚
最后信念别放弃
I will be fine I will be fine

So many cried, listening to you
希望你能再给我力量
So many lies, listening to you
什么时候I will be fine

当我再也不对任何事期待
只剩下你只剩下你
有天当我舍弃一切见你 请你要微笑不语

So many cried, listening to you
希望你能再给我力量
So many lies, listening to you
什么时候I will be fine

***

3rd song - Light of my life - Lara Fabian and Lee Hom Wang

Wandering like a leaf upon the wind
I have been searching for someone
Holding out for a love to shake my soul
Heaven or nothing
Then you walked into my life
In a blaze of light
I've never wanted someone more
You are the one I've waited for

*Light of my life
You are the fire in my heart
When I am lost I know
I'll feel you burning in the dark

You're the light of my life
Every star in the sky
Shines more brightly when you're at my side
You're the light of my life *

Dreaming, I feel you next to me
No, I'm not, I'm not dreaming
'Cause I'm drowning in your kiss
I die in your arms
And when I hear you call my name
Baby, it's like I'm born again

Repeat Chorus*

Your love's a lantern in the rain
Bringing me home time and again
Burning like an eternal flame

Light of my life
You're the beat of my heart
When I am lost
When you're lost I know
You'll see me shining
Shining in the dark

You're the light of my life
Like the stars in the sky
Only you can take me through
You're the only one who makes it right
Only you set fire to the night
You're the light of my life

***

4th song: 灰色空间 - 罗志祥

原来不是白就是黑
只不过是天真的以为
要醉得清醒　要无辜的犯罪
现实的世界只有灰

坚强得太久好疲惫
想抱爱的人沉沉的睡
卷来的风暴　凶猛里有种美
死了心　痛就没感觉

灰色空间　我是谁
记不得幸福是什么滋味
无路可退　你是谁
怎么为我流泪

梦见发着光的草原
一身伤回到很久以前
我选择不恨　带着平静走远
醒来后　夜还是长夜

Repeat

紧抱着我流泪

***
5th song： 几分 - 罗志祥

不管昨天你对我说过了什么
今天的我还是依然依然沉默
两个人生气着
看着谁先舍不得
何必这样来试探我们的缘份

不管昨天我对你说过了什么
今天的你还是依然依然自我
问这要到什么时候
才会觉得无法忍受
难道这样才证明爱得有多深

所以爱有几分
这是你不停的疑问
你的心里对我有多认真
何必执着在我的部分

所以爱有几分
这是你永远的疑问
只有最后一切才有定论

Repeat

所以爱有几分
这是你永远的疑问
只有最后一切才有定论
没有值不值得当失去了 有什么好争
就在转身之后 我的不舍有多么的真

所以爱有几分
这是你不停的疑问
你的心里对我有多认真
何必执着在我的部分

所以爱有几分
这是你永远的疑问
只有最后一切才有定论
只有最后一切才有定论

***

6th song: 杨宗纬- 你看

路越走越苦 越腐烂
剩下从无到有的明白
这世界好坏 有太多姿态
要我拿梦来交换

转弯 寻个方向躲起来
默许被污染的应该
坚持在澎湃 好想大声喊
不要没收我对纯真的依赖

你看那四季的剪彩
你看那寒暑的编排
你看那生命的色彩
就算哭了也不能重来

有一天你平静去看
会发现自己有多狭窄
睁开眼 还是面对黑暗

我知道你内心的深海依然湛蓝
那為什么会没有爱

你看多余的空白
会有温暖细细填满
你看我身上的羽毛
透过歌声慢慢闪耀

有一天你平静去看
会感觉自己变得慷慨
才恍然感动已活过来


Hope you like them. THE END :)

One Tin Soldier Rides Away

OK, before you actually read this post.
Scroll down a little and click on the youtube link.
Here is a song for you.
Still reading?? CLICK NOW :p

I first heard this song from Sam Hui's concert and was touched by its lyrics.
It was originally sung in 'The Legend of Billy Jack' by Coven.
Quin Er called yesterday, asking me to prompt her the melody.
In fact she did a reverse effect, and reminded me about this song long lost in my memories.

I was tempted to put it on my playlist, but sadly it doesn't fit to my theme.
So I now link it from this post.

Here you go, a real good song - one tin soldier.



Listen, children, to a story
That was written long ago,
'Bout a kingdom on a mountain
And the valley-folk below.

On the mountain was a treasure
Buried deep beneath the stone,
And the valley-people swore
They'd have it for their very own.

Chorus:
*Go ahead and hate your neighbor,
Go ahead and cheat a friend.
Do it in the name of Heaven,
You can justify it in the end.
There won't be any trumpets blowing
Come the judgement day,
On the bloody morning after....
One tin soldier rides away*

So the people of the valley
Sent a message up the hill,
Asking for the buried treasure,
Tons of gold for which they'd kill.

Came an answer from the kingdom,
"With our brothers we will share
All the secrets of our mountain,
All the riches buried there."

Now the valley cried with anger,
"Mount your horses! Draw your sword!"
And they killed the mountain-people,
So they won their just reward.

Now they stood beside the treasure,
On the mountain, dark and red.
Turned the stone and looked beneath it...
"Peace on Earth" was all it said.

Repeat Chorus* x2


If the way things happen is way too dark for you to believe again
At least believe in this:
What goes around comes around.
Trust me, it is true.

Happy Birthday Big Spring :)

Dear Yihui a.k.a Athena,

If I am to buy three things for you on your 21st birthday, I will get you:

1. A sexy dress with the least amount of cloth


2. A hot guy as your boyfriend



3. And a private jet to fly you to UK
But since I have no such purchasing power at the moment, I think these pictures will do for now. Keke. :P

On top of that, to compensate such a regrettable loss (esp the second item), I shall sing you a song here:

Happy Birthday To You~~
Happy Birthday To You~~
Happy Birthday To Da Chun~~
Happy Birthday To you you you you you.....


Qian 1: Serious a bit lar~~ It's Yihui's 21st birthday k??
Qian 2: Okokok. Soli soli. Wish you ~~~ ermmm ~~ not to be too burdened by your big b**ps. Sense some jealousy here?! Wakakaka. Sorry la, simply fail to be serious in front of you...

p.s. Hope you like our video clips and tell me once you got the parcel ;)

Updates on 10/11/2008

Did I tell you that I want this blog to be more like a journal rather than a personal diary?

As Yihui kept praising me about how fit I am to be a journalist, so despite being a thick-faced person, I want to take this as my little tryout. My ultimate aim - hopefully - is to publish a photographic journal. :p

But I still want to keep my friends up-to-date. So I will have short columns like this - specially dedicated to all of you - about my recent 'boring' life.

-Updates on 10/11/2008-

I sang karaoke till 4 in the morning last Saturday. Tell you this - it is a real fun seeing your friends get drunk while you are completely sane - of course cancelling out the part when you have to yell at them so that they can stay on the pavement instead of walking right in the middle of road.

Yes we all looked drunk. lalala.

Part I:

Scene 1:
* Adrian (2nd from the right) took up Sin Yew's (1st from the right) challenge to down a jar of beer while I was sitting as a gaping audience next to these two crazy fellas.

Scene 2:
Sin Yew then told us to wave goodbye to Adrian, which I think was a very wise thing to do at that time. Because we all knew - that's it for Adrian tonight. He is not going to remember anything beyond this point.

Scene 3:
Adrian was still talking to us in his Malaysian accent. No - he is not drunk - not yet. We shall wait a little while more. One minute...two minutes....

Scene 4:
5-10 minutes later, I overheard someone speaking in a British accent across the room.
Ah ha! It's Adrian. Certified - he is now drunk.

They once told me before - Adrian will start off with his British slang when he is drunk. At first, I didn't believe it at all. But now I believe, wholly with my heart.

Lol.
I never know that slang can be one of the many indicators of drunkenness.



Part II:
Scene 1:
Sin Yew insisted on cooking fried rice for us.
Well that's a nice thing to do.
BUT NOT AT 4AM IN THE MORNING.
Apparently, when Sin Yew is drunk, instead of having another country's accent, he often chooses to be a cleaner.

Well not this time. Because he chose to be a cook tonight/morning.

Imagine: At 4am in the morning, all of us were forced to sit down at the dining table, waiting for fried rice to be served. -.-

Scene 2:
Sin Yew was trying to get something from the fridge.
Opened the fridge - looked up and down - everything was pretty fine - until he pulled out one of the racks in the fridge, thinking that it was a drawer.

Scene 3:
Great! Yoghurt spilled on the floor.
Mourn for our first casualty: Bio-yoghurt (tropical fruits flavour).

Scene 4:
Serena and I were cleaning up the mess on the floor.
Captions in our heads: what are we doing?? wiping yoghurt at 4am?
Conclusion: SinYew is clearly drunk.

Scene 4:
We had our fried rice and went to bed.
I heard noises from the kitchen.
It's Sin Yew...
Haha you know what happened next - yes he was washing the plates and woks.

Lol.
Great weekend! Great fun! Great laugh!

If I tell you this is Ah-Niu's effect rather than ecstasy - will you believe?

p.s. this turned out to be a very 'short' post. with apologies, qian :)

Night of silence

* It's a long post ahead, just jump to the conclusion if you are in a hurry, but only if you are in a hurry :p*

Have you ever look up at the sky in a cold dark night?

What do you see?
Do you see only overwhelming darkness? Or do you see stars shimmering in the sky, with warm soothing glows breaking through the blackness?

I see the stars.

*****

1.

I habitually walked to my pigeon hole.
Instead of spams, fliers, I found piles of warm wishes lying there.

A card from the States. And a green note from the Porters Lodge - I have a parcel!

While my mind was telling me not to walk so fast, my legs were subconsciously gaining speed on the way to the Plodge.
With a parcel wrapped nicely on my hand, I raced to my room.

The card is from Hui Xin, my 'big sister' in Homerton.
Her words are as sweet as always - never fails to cheer up my day.
I miss everything about her - our exploitation of college free internal phone calls, our efforts in holding up CUUNA, our weekly bible studies every Friday afternoon, and our cook out sessions in CG and CF (I never will forget how much rice we used to cook in one night)

And of course, that always out-going, extremely organized, caring, friendly, lovely character of hers. All the best in Harvard my dear friend.

*****

2.

Back to the parcel, I know it's from the most important people in my life - my family.

Opening up the box, there lies a lovely hand-made blue card on top of the present-S.

Never underestimate the size of something by the look of it.
Despite the small squarish surface of it - it is actually a massive card with layers hidden beneath.
This is the most creative card I have ever received in my life.

There are words all over the card in silvery ink, which finally make me realized - well yes I have a big family with 4 siblings.
Which means that I have love multiply by six, which gives us the answer of unlimited supply of love (ok, i can't count).

And among the words, I saw my eldest aunty's handwritings. 谢家有女初长成 Thanks for putting a smile on my face :)

Guess what mum has got for me?
* The Esprit purple scarf, once hanging there on the rack unbelonged, is now MY Esprit purprle scarf!!! Mum simply knows me best.
* A long sleeves white top from GUESS. OMG! It goes perfectly with my purple scarf and the knitted vest top CF gave me as a birthday present.
* That's not all of it. There is also a long black jeans from Zara (my fav brand other than Jane Norman and Guess). Most importantly it's a tight cut jeans. I only mentioned it to mum once - 'mummy, i think i need to get another pair of black jeans which has a tight cut so that I can wear my boots with it' - and I got it after two weeks.

They make me feel special, always.
Like how dad messaged me when he was in Boston 'Happy Birthday, I love you.'
Simple and sweet.

*****

3.

As usual, it's dinner with Chien Fen.
I met up Chien Fen right in front of John's at 6.15pm.
My feelings were at that time, as dark as the sky.
We strolled down to Quayside, parked our bikes, and walked to Teri-aki (a jap restaurant in Cam).

When I was about to tell the waiter 'table for two please..'
Chien Fen, to my surprise, walked straight to the end of the restaurant.
In a slightly confused manner, I followed her.

What came into my sight next was Kenrick, Siew Kit, WeiShen, Jo, Chee Hui, Han Yang, Jin Yang sitting there at the long table. No..not really sitting down, they stood up, smiling, as I walked in.

Yes, they have planned me a birthday dinner, which I have absolutely no idea about it before that. Other than giving them that stoned-amazed-unbelievable look, and saying 'thanks thanks thanks', I do not know how to put my feelings into words.

Total surprise - because I did not expect it at all.
Glad - because I thought I will never get to see them again this term.
Touched - because I know it's an effort to come out on a Sunday night with all the supervision work pending and lectures next morning.
Grateful - because I must be extremely lucky to know all of you.

Thought in my mind: go hug everyone of you :)
But yea, everyone in the restaurant were looking at us instead of their food, so I decided not to execute it.

Turning all my feelings into a wide broad smile, I told myself to appreciate this wonderful evening. We ate, we chatted (and bombs everywhere like we usually did) and we blew the cake, and Jiayi came, and our Temenggung Cina JY took photos with his super-pro camera (which is almost as big as my face)

Thanks for this lovely evening and the wonderful presents, maybe they are unaware about it, but when I was about to give up hope, they were there for me.

When we were walking out from the restaurant, Siew Kit asked me 'are you alright?'
It's just a simple sentence but i really felt like crying when i heard that. I thank Chien Fen a lot for planning it, like what we said to each other, 'I will die for you'. Thank you. Xie Xie. Terima Kasih (specially dedicated to our beloved Bruneian -JY.

*****

4.

I logged in Googlemail, scanned through my inbox, and saw few emails highlighted in bold. From them - Lyssa, Corey, Ching Chui, Yihui.

Though they tried their best to make their emails sound funny, scolded me for being worried, swore all over, but of all the words they have written for me - forgive me - I only see the word 'friendship'.

From the sentence structure, I can tell that Corey was extremely tired after his exams, yet he made it a point to reply me at 3am in the morning.
From Lyssa words, I can tell that every single sentence she wrote, she understands. She understands what am I feeling.
From Ching Chui sharp analysis and encouraging letters, I know that even though she might not make it obvious, but yes, she cares about me.
Although Yihui's reply is short and simple, but it is more than enough to hold me up.

I know how a true friend looks like now - it looks exactly like them.

*****

5.

I was crying over the phone.
Tzuch, at the other end, was patiently listening to me.
I was telling him how disappointed I am about people, about human's nature, about juniors whom I once loved so much.

Tzuch replied me with a firm voice:
'You are the best person one can have in life. It's their loss, not yours.'
'You always know your value. Don't doubt yourself. Don't let things like this pull you down.'

I know most of them are hardly true. More like consoling words.
But I am glad to have him around, esp when things are not right.
Because he is always there to stand by me and make it right.

*****

6.

It is 11.36pm, 27th of October.
While I was focusing on my laptop screen, someone knocked on my window.
It's Eric. He asked me to open the door for him as he forgot his card.

With purse and access card in my hands, I opened the door.
POP! Alison! Smoky! Straps! Birthday hats! Yo!
Okay, too many things happened at the same time - I guess I need to break them down into smaller parts.

I heard - POP POP POP POP POP! Yo, yeah, woohoo! (some cheering sounds with applause and laughters)
I smelt - slightly burned, smoky smell coming out from the party props.
Then I saw - Alison, Karson, Eric and Danny (who took a night train all the way from Shef to celebrate with me) with funny birthday hats on their heads.
And I found out - that I am locked in my room as my door was blocked with silver straps printing '21st Happy Birthday!'.

Cool. I've came back to my senses.
The door's blocked. What's next?
Oh I see - I must wait till 12am to come out.
So we waited, and waited, and waited.
To be exact, it's not at all waiting.
I prefer to describe it as camwhoring and discovering ways of playing with birthday hatS.

After the crazy midnight hats game, I went back to bed, knowing that I will be having sweet dreams tonight.

p.s. one night was OBVIOUSLY not enough for us, so Alison planned a birthday dinner with the rest of the Hong Kong engineers, Lukas, Kevin and Kimberle. I had a home-made cake from Alison, and it tastes yummy! :)

*****

7.

Was deleting all the junk emails spamming me these few weeks.
I found one email there from someone unexpected - Livia.

It's an email from some of the juniors.
They thanked me for voicing out for them (clarification: they never ask me to).

I took some time browsing through their websites.
Movies, outings, dinners with friends, birthday celebrations - I know they are happy right now.

You know what?
That's enough for me.
In fact, more than enough.


*****

8.

28th of October, I had ice pouring from the sky.
Great. Hail. Not again.
Danny and I were forced to stop in front of Lion Yard while waiting for god's mercy to melt away the icy cold.

My phone rang and I picked up with my wet hands.
'Happy Birthday to you~~~ Happy Birthday to you~~~ Happy Birthday to Wan Qian ~~~
Happy Birthday to you~~~'

From the sweet-sounding, melodious, heart-melting voice, I know it's Quin Er!!
We talked on the phone for 10 minutes.
As usual, cheezy and cheerful, like banana shake(long story).

All of a sudden,
I could not feel the cold anymore.

*****

9.

Jiayi emailed me to ask me out for lunch on Friday.
Those who could not make it to my birthday dinner few days ago wanted to have a lunch with me instead.
So its my belated birthday lunch with Kevin (he came on that night though), Mei Hua, Yi Lun, and Jiayi.

Jiayi gave me a book titled 'The Last Lecture' by Randy Pausch, a lecturer who dedicated his last speech to his children before pancreatic cancer took away his life.

I simply love book or cd gifts. To me, gift is more meaningful when it's in a form of sharing.

I finished the book in one day. And I have to say, it's something I am determined to read and read again.
I will treasure that gift like how I treasure our friendship.

*****

Those people who hurt us, and those who think only themselves,
Like insurmountable challenges, like formidable evil, like disheartening disappointment,
Like the dark sky so empty,
They are countless, boundless, continuous, overwhelming.

The shining stars
Are those who love us for who we truly are,
And those who stand up for us regardless of what the others say,


Even though darkness takes up most of the sky, way more than the stars,
But think about it,
When we raise our head and look above,
We see only the stars, outshining the dark.

So who cares if the sky is filled up by darkness when we have stars shining above?
Who cares if someone else is hurting you when we already our love ones?
Look at the stars. Not the darkness.
Look at the stars.

Frozen in the snow lies roses sleeping, flowers that will echo the sunrise.
Rumors of dawn so embracing, soon we will know of the morning.

This is why I named this very little space of mine as 'Before Daylight'.
Because even before the crack of the dawn, when people are trembling in shadows, I am not afraid.
I have stars.

Regardless how far they are away from me,
I know by my heart,
I have stars.
Right above me.

I used to wonder why my eyes water everytime when I come across a starry night.
I know it now.
Because it reminds me of the fire of hope in the silent night,
And the promised glaze with hues of red and orange next morning.